I am deeply touched (and somewhat baffled) that many people – some of whom I don’t even know that well! – are volunteering to help during my coming ordeal with chemotherapy.
Throughout my life, including childhood, I have rarely experienced being on the receiving end of care. As a daughter, wife, mother, hostess, event planner, and community manager I’ve mostly taken care of others. I’ve always been the strong one, keeping my shit together in emergencies because someone has to be the grownup and deal with stuff. I love being “a really useful engine”, and I can’t imagine why people would want to be around me if I’m not.
So I don’t really know how to be taken care of. Part of me deeply craves it, but a lot of me is scared to be too “needy” or “demanding”.
I hate the “every life difficulty has a lesson for you” trope but, if you like that sort of thing, that’s probably the lesson that cancer has to teach me: learning to trust that others actually want to and will care for me when I need it most, and then letting them do it.
This may be even harder for me than the chemo itself. Being that vulnerable frightens me deeply.
So… many thanks for your offers of help. I will take you up on them. You may have to physically restrain me from at least making you coffee. 😉
my breast cancer story (thus far)