Comments on: Divorcing Italy

By: Gregory Rasputin

Gregory Rasputin — Mon, 25 Apr 2011 03:16:03 +0000

Dear Deierdre, You do look externally when deciding what makes you happy or not… which would be in contrary of what an ancient Italian by the name of Epictitus would say… “To be happy: focus on what you can control- and as you can control nothing but your state of mind… so focus yourself upon it.” I don’t believe that your discontentment arose exclusively from your professional woes. There are many things here that don’t meet the eye, but others that do… like the fact that your writing reveals you as a sharp-eyed, brusque, and loquaitiously persnickety, (the very thing that drove you to leave your own country in the first place) and exceedingly urbane person… someone who in any country would find it hard going in such a place as Lecco. You belong only in a place such as San Francisco or Milano… which when it became clear to you was no longer physically possible, should have only been replaced by like. When you say that you were well set-up to succeed in Italy because of your language skills- obviously there is some truth in that… but it also takes many other things… and more importantly than that is how your personality will play our ‘on the road’ as the visiting team. Picking a country is like picking a lover… we haven’t the foggiest real idea how it shall play out. When you mention that Italians were absorbed to excess in their families you should also mention that you were absorbed to excess by the notions of your own abilities to go to a strange country and succeed with little or no network of support. Like falling in love- it is optimism on such a high level, that it could be classified as a certain specie of self-imperiling folly.

By: Deirdre Straughan

Deirdre Straughan — Sat, 23 Apr 2011 06:24:35 +0000

To set the record straight, there were plenty of 2nd and 3rd and 4th invitations from Italian and expat friends over the years – and no one turned down an invitation to dinner at our home, so I assume they at least liked my cooking. My point was that many Italians are so immersed in their own extended families that they don’t have much time for extra-familial socializing.

As for discontentment, indeed I was discontented to be unable to earn a living wage in my chosen professional field. And, as the Italian economy continues to lag the rest of the developed world, many others are discontented – and broke – in Italy. Contentment is a moot point when you can’t even find a job.

By: Gregory Rasputin

Gregory Rasputin — Sat, 23 Apr 2011 01:27:42 +0000

Dear Deirdre,
Thank you for your straightforward and direct thoughts. I couldn’t escape the feeling as I read ‘Divorcing Italy’ was a discontentment that would have colored anywhere you might have been. I’ve lived all over and one can always see the half empty glass.
I don’t doubt that your time in Italy was rightly through… but I also don’t doubt that you might have fared better with a divorce from your unappreciativeness first… before trying one from Italy and or Enrico. I also don’t doubt that this influenced the lack of second invitations as it is human nature to prefer to be around the appreciator instead of the un-. If my clumsy terms fail: then what I am really trying to say is that your happiness was and hopefully still isn’t waiting to be created from inside. Best Wishes, Totma11

By: Rosaly Palma Torvnes

Rosaly Palma Torvnes — Sun, 16 May 2010 19:39:54 +0000

Hi Deirdre!

You haven’t written here in a while so I wonder where in the world you are now. It makes me sad to read what you wrote about Italy..Well, it makes me sad because it confirms what I already supected/knew, that is, that my dream to live in a Italy is an idealistic one and that life there would be so hard I would regret forever having decided to leave Norway, where I live now (I am Brazilian) for Italy.
The only hope is that my husband becomes so rich I can do whatever I please there someday and do not depend on me finding a job to make ends meet. I am only an administration consultant, in other words, Executive Secretary, who does not even speak Italian yet.
…
Would be wonderful to hear from you
Rose

By: Keith

Keith — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 18:16:13 +0000

Just to offer a different view – my wife and I (both natural born USA citizens) lived in Pavia for 4 years and had a wonderful experience. The decision to return to the US was tough. We had LOTS of local Italian friends and almost felt like rock stars being in a country that seems to love American people (although not our government). Some of what you say is very true: my wife had difficulty practicing her profession (physical therapy) and settled for the same career choices that you list. I still miss living in Italy!

By: Barbara

Barbara — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 14:48:47 +0000

Hi Deidre, thank you for posting this. You are speaking from my heart. I have never felt particularly integrated in Italy and professionally I never really got my feet on the ground either, still I stayed on because of my husband’s job. But since this summer when I got back to Milan from my summer holidays in Florida I am just not able to life here anymore. I am fed up with having to excuse for being who I am and for thinking what I think. I don’t want my two girls to grow up seeing only the restrictive female role models that Italy offers and I can’t stand the feeling anymore of living in a place that is 50 years behind the rest of Europe and the US. So me too I decided to divorce Italy and I am putting all my efforts and energy into leaving the country. I wish you all the best.

By: Kelly Eickhoff

Kelly Eickhoff — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 11:41:37 +0000

Hi Deirdre, I have to say your ‘divorce’ has reinforced the decision Sergio and I took a long time ago, and that was that he would come to Australia, not that I would go to Italy. Although he loves his country, he sees the flaws, sees it stagnating, sees how many of his friends have no sure hope of getting employment in the field they desire. As a clear foreigner with a degree in Social Work and International Studies I would not get serious employment in Italy, and he would have a far better chance of getting any kind of work in Australia with far less discrimination as we are a much more multicultural country. It isn’t unusual to speak a language other than English here! As beautiful Italy it can be, Australia has better opportunities and in many respects life is more laid back and simple. Best of luck with everything, especially with the long distance relationship with Enrico. You’re welcome to come say g’day any time!

By: Deirdre Straughan

Deirdre Straughan — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 01:15:15 +0000

Thanks, everybody, for sharing your thoughts.

Lisa: Menopause is probably a factor for me right now. As I recently read, “menopause is like adolescence, without the fun parts.” The shutdown of my mothering hormones it coincides with or was driven by our suddenly empty nest; maybe those hormones were what enabled me to deal with a stifling situation for so long, because it was the best thing for my family at the time. But now – oh, freedom!

Rana: Though I’m enjoying Colorado right now, I’m not wedded to the US or any particular part of it, in fact I hope very much to have opportunities to live elsewhere. Australia and/or New Zealand have always interested me, and I could easily picture myself living in India again. There’s a lot of world out there, and as long as I have an interesting job to do, I’m flexible about where it is.

The new hope in American politics, and contrasting lack thereof in Italian politics, may be a factor, now that you mention it. What I felt about that was very well described by another ex-expat-in-Italy blogger: http://theverges.blogspot.com/2008/11/days-of-hope-and-glory.html

By: Jake

Jake — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 20:07:12 +0000

Wow. I was somewhat shocked to read about your anger towards Italy. I have often thought about retiring in Italy and only to the very deep south. I thought that the southern weather, the laid back lifestyle and not working would make this area an ideal retirement spot, but your column leaves me wondering if Italy is such a good place after all.

By: Rana

Rana — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 13:50:36 +0000

Very interesting, and touching. Is it only Italy that you are ruling out, or is it “anywhere except the USA”? It seems that the problems you refer to are largely Italian, but various bits (weather etc) are shared by much of Europe and other bits (bureaucracy etc) are shared by much of Asia.

Some of the problems you mention in Italy are a reflection of the current PM, I wonder if that affected your decision, and perhaps the political climate will change soon. As there is today arguably a “new hope” in US politics, perhaps there will be an Italian revolution in new technology and new attitudes. Though in either continent, I guess there is about 50% of the population who are intrinsicaly opposed to your worldview.

Just musing.