Men, Women, and Salary Negotiation

“To get ahead in business, women need to speak up, blow their own horns, and always negotiate their salary offers. In other words: act like men.”

Women hear this sort of thing often. I’ve said it myself as well-meaning advice to other, especially younger, women. We heard it from many speakers at the WITI summit, successful women who were presumably giving this advice because it had worked for them. Research shows that it can be effective in getting that raise, VC meeting, promotion, or next job.

There are two problems with women emulating men in this way:

  1. The social rules are different for men and women. A man who is assertive and self-promoting is considered, well, manly. A woman who does the same is more often considered a bitch. Both men and women react negatively to “pushy” women.
  2. Because of Point 1 or for socialized reasons, most women feel uncomfortable behaving this way. As a male friend pointed out, telling women to behave more like men is similar to telling introverts they should behave like extroverts. It implies a judgement that the extroverted or “male” way is the “best” mode of human interaction, and we should all strive to emulate it. For some, this may be harrowingly uncomfortable – for some, it’s downright impossible.

There are reams of advice given on doing business in other cultures: how to fit in, how not to offend, how to negotiate with someone who may see things very differently than you do and may not give the cultural cues that you expect. Such advice stresses understanding and compromise, and we all agree that it would be unproductive and gauche to expect our counterparts from other cultures to adapt entirely to our ways.

So why is it acceptable to demand that women take on the modes of interaction more native to men (or introverts to extroverts)?

I have read articles about how even hirers are frustrated at the way women “leave money on the table”. To paraphrase a piece written by an anonymous hiring manager: “I’m authorized to give a higher starting salary, but only if they ask for it. The women never ask, the men always do.”

The women in these situations say, if asked, that they felt the offer was fair – i.e., they assumed the employer would treat them fairly – and/or they didn’t feel comfortable making a counter request and being perceived as pushy broads before even starting a new job. But if they later learned or guessed that they were paid less than a man (or another woman) for the same job, you can bet they resented the hell out of it, and felt betrayed by their employer.

Avoiding “politics” of this kind is a big motivator for many women to found their own businesses: when you’re the boss, you can ensure that your employees are treated fairly.

My own feeling is: if you (my employer) think my job is worth $n, that’s what you should pay me; I should not have to ask. (If you don’t know what the job is worth, I may not either – why don’t we figure it out together?)

Telling women that we’re leaving money on the table by not asking is blaming the victim. Paying higher salaries to those who merely ask rewards negotiating skills, not professional merit or hard work in a particular role which may have nothing to do with the ability to be an aggressive bargainer.

The same applies to introverts – which, by the way, often describes some of your most valuable staff: programmers. Many male engineers are naive, young, introverted, and/or socially awkward, which puts them in a similar position to women at the bargaining table. They may accept your first offer and not subsequently question their salaries, as long as they can pay the rent.

But, in a hot job market, you’re taking a risk when you pay people less than you can afford and know they’re worth. Your best and brightest (men or women, outgoing or introverted) get job offers every week, and if you’re paying them at the low end of the scale, it’s easy for someone else to make a better offer. Company rules may “discourage” your employees from discussing their salaries with each other*, but a recruiter may be happy to say: “Oh, we pay a lot better for that position.”

If you value an employee and want to keep them, it’s in your best interest to deal with them transparently, honestly, fairly, and in a way that accommodates their individual character and style. If that’s not already part of your company culture and policy, perhaps it’s time to revisit those things and think about what kind of company you want to be, in order to keep your best and brightest, and attract more like them.

* In California, it is no longer legal for companies to prevent or penalize employees discussing their salaries. Furthermore, “California’s newly effective (January 1, 2017) pay equity law indicates that reliance on an individual’s salary history does not justify a pay disparity, but the law does not specifically prohibit employers from soliciting the information on applications.”

Especially in light of a recent (April, 2017) court ruling which seems to undermine that law, the best advice is never to give recruiters any previous salary history. However, it can be difficult to avoid doing so. I have seen at least one company use a web-based form that forces you to put something into a “previous salary” field (I did not experiment with filling that field with zeroes, for example), along with a statement that falsifying any part of the form would end forever your chances of employment with that company.

GHC09: Becoming a Person of Influence

Still trying to catch up with my notes from the talks I attended at the Grace Hopper Celebration of Women in Computing in October…

Jo Miller was a very popular presenter at GHC08, so was invited back this year to speak on Becoming a Person of Influence. Jo, an Aussie with a somewhat confused accent after years in California, does Women’s Leadership Coaching for a living, and I suspect from this experience of her that she’s good at it.

This talk had the particular merit of being useful to everyone attending, at whatever stage of their tech career.

I was amused that she started the session saying: “Anyone caught blogging or tweeting during the session will absolutely be invited back next year!”

From my notes:

The emerging leader’s quandary: you can’t get to the higher level job without leadership experience, but you can’t get the experience without the job.

How can you establish yourself as a leader while doing your current job?

Question: Are you the best-kept secret in your organization?

“In my company, influencing skills are the single most important success factor after knowing your job.” JoAnna Sohovich, Honeywell

Are power and influence good or bad? “Power is like manure: it really stinks if you keep it to yourself, but it’s good if you spread it around.”

Wanting to be an influencer means wanting to be a person who can make a greater difference than one person alone can.

An influencer arrives at the meeting early to greet everyone, and doesn’t wait for permission to speak when it’s her area of expertise. If you walk into a room with confidence and authority, people are predisposed to hear what you say.

Don’t think about influencing a specific situation but “how do I become a person of influence?”

First impressions count, but the cumulative impact of all impressions is more important.

The dog whisperer doesn’t train the dog – he/she actually trains the owner to exude an air of calm authority.

Our behavior teaches people how to treat us.

You can influence others in every conversation you have.

Jo asked people in the room to mention what they think of as leadership qualities. Responses included:

  • know the people you’re working with, and care about them. People are not a means to an end, they ARE the end.
  • be consistent and principled, good at engaging people in interesting conversations
  • a leader makes you want to be a better leader

Countdown: The Six Sources of influence Available to Women Leaders

6. Positional influence: the influence inherent in your job title/role

For example, a woman was reorged into a situation where no one knew what she did, but her boss made a point of having her meet people.

“How are you introducing yourself?” You need an elevator pitch.

Building on positional influence:

you have an important job and people need to know about it
take every opportunity to educate others about the importance of your role and how you can help them

create a 30-second commercial:
1. name
2. title
3. I am responsible for…
4. come directly to me when you need…

You may need multiples “ads” to cover various aspects of your job.

Mine might include:

I’m Deirdré Straughan. I am responsible for helping people communicate about technology. Come directly to me when you need help/advice/training with social media, especially videoblogging and video streaming.


I am responsible for building and nurturing tech communities. Come directly to me when you need help with community strategy and execution.

One pitfall with positional influence is to over-rely on it and to imagine that, if you are higher up, influence comes naturally.

5. Expertise influence: background, qualifications, experience and expertise

Make sure you don’t let someone else take credit for your work!

Ways to build expertise influence:

  • don’t wait for an invitation to speak up about your area of expertise
  • promote your accomplishments
  • present in meetings etc.
  • write
  • speak on panels, conferences

Pitfalls: “Are men smarter than women? No, but they sure think they are.” Women underestimate their own candlepower while men overestimate theirs (2008, Newsweek). Male job candidates are not shy to claim expertise they may not necessarily have! It’s not about paper qualifications, it’s about owning and making visible the achievements you already have.

4. Resources Influence:– the ability to attract and deploy resources you need to do your job well.

e.g. budget

Ways to increase resources influence:

  • become a strong negotiator – know how to ask for and get what you need
  • learn matrixed management
  • cross-train others in your area
  • gain visibility for the importance of your work and the effort it takes
  • suggest special projects as developmental opportunities for others

3. Informational influence: being an informational powerhouse, who keeps finger on the pulse on business, personnel and organizational issues

Know the above, know who the other informational powerhouses are. Walk around and gossip, but filter useful info from noise. Seek out info about changes before they occur, e.g. new projects, opportunities, resource allocations, budget, long-range plans.

2. Direct influence aka coercive

Being firm,professional and direct when someone’s behavior is detrimental to team or org (1% rule) – when something really important is at stake. But also share a vision of what would be possible for them if they changed their behavior – show that you care.

Tips: be firm, fair, professional, direct and concise with tough news
explain what was unacceptable and why
focus on a positive vision for the future

1. Relationships influence: that which comes when you know who the key people are in your organization (and other areas of life), when you reach out to them and build authentic, trusting relationships and an influential network.

The most importnat thing you will build in your career is your network, aka your sphere of influence.

McKinsey leadership project – What drives and sustains successful female leaders? Connecting.

Think about:

Which sources of influence are you most strong in?
Which do you intend to strengthen?

Transitioning Your Online Identity

7 Steps to Take Before the Axe Falls

Though I have no idea what’s in store for me personally, the impending acquistion gives me ample reason to reflect upon the fact that I’ve been through this before. And to wish that someone had given me the advice I’m about to give you.

When you’ve been with a company for a long time – and the last ten years, in Internet time, have been very long indeed – most or all of your professional digital identity is likely wrapped up in that company. You may not have an email address outside your work one. You may have a company blog, but probably not a personal website. What happens when you suddenly no longer have access to your old company resources? What if all the online evidence of your hard work for the company… just disappears?

Any work of yours that is stored or referenced online is part of your digital footprint, and a vital part of your professional history. But (even without an acquistion) websites change over time, webmasters forget or lose track of things, and whole swathes of your professional life can vanish overnight (whereas that photo of you doing tequila shots in your underwear will live online forever).

When your future with a company is uncertain (and, these days, whose isn’t?), it’s wise to establish an independent online identity. As soon as possible. Like, now.

Here’s how:

1. Get your own domain name. Some variant on “” is good, if available.

Tip: Do NOT look up the availability of a domain name until you have your credit card in hand and are ready to pay for it. I’ve heard of cases where someone checked on an extremely-unlikely-to-occur-to-anyone-else domain name, saw that it was available at the time, came back later to buy it – and found it had been mysteriously purchased by a domain squatter who now wanted a lot of money for it. This isn’t supposed to happen, but… why take chances? Domain registration costs about $10 a year, so it’s worth grabbing a domain even if you’re not sure you’re going to use it.

2. Get it hosted. I’ve been using Dreamhost for years and am happy with them (disclaimer: if you sign up with them after clicking that link, I’ll get a kickback), but I’m sure there are plenty of similar. Unless you’re prepared to be your own sysadmin, look for a service that offers something like Dreamhosts’s one-click installs of WordPress – that’s the easiest route to your own website.

NB: Dreamhost and its ilk can also do domain registration for you, and often include one or more free registrations in your sign-up package, so you might want to explore hosting options before you buy a domain name.

3. Set up a new, professional email address using your new domain name. This is one of the major reasons to have your own domain. Frankly, using a gmail or hotmail address for professional email looks amateurish.

Most web hosts will let you set up unlimited mailboxes, so you can create separate email accounts for personal and professional use. Most web hosts also offer server-side spam filtering as well. Get that set up, because you will want your professional contact email address to be widely available online, and that means it’s going to get spammed. (Then you’ll realize how spoiled you’ve been with corporate email; grit your teeth and deal with it – the important thing it to be accessible.)

4. Get your resumé up, both on your own site and on Linkedin. Make sure it’s easy to contact you from either.

5. Copy to your new blog any content from your company site that you are directly responsible for – and have sufficient rights to. Sun blogs explicitly state that their contents are copyrighted by the individuals who wrote them, but I suspect this is unusual for corporate blogs, so be sure of your rights before you start republishing material en masse. The large body of writing I did for Adaptec/Roxio was under a “work for hire” agreement, so I had no copyrights in it. Unfortunately, most of that has vanished (even from the Wayback Machine) and is now untraceable.

I should have created an electronic clippings file (just as I keep paper copies of magazine articles I wrote years ago), and I advise you to do so now. I don’t know what fair use laws would apply to making such widely available on your site, but at least you could send samples if anyone asked.

If you’re a big enough wig to have had your name included in company press releases, grab copies of those as well. Don’t assume that the world will always remember all your triumphs.

6. Create an index of links from your resumé to the most important of your content and any other mentions of you on the company site. As long as that content is still available, it’s a useful record of what you’ve accomplished, and it’s right there on the official website with the old company cachet. But check those links periodically; when and if they die, replace your links with “available on request” or similar wording.

7. Also keep copies of any photographic and video “evidence” of your professional skills and activities, e.g. you might have been filmed speaking at a conference (especially if I was around). Think of such videos as your demo reel, showing off both your industry knowledge and your speaking skills.

If you do all this now, if and when the chop eventually comes you’ll be prepared. You can then leave a graceful farewell message pointing to your new online home, and start receiving callers there right away.

Got any tips, thoughts, or experiences to add? I’d love to hear them!

Update: Also see Katy Dickinson’s very useful post, After the RIF