The Twitter Diaries: 2010-01-18: SF, CO

used to own and love this poster, pretty sure I didn’t pay this much for it at the zoo itself http://bit.ly/65BfFK
@KathySierra the trick is to look like you’re sharing all, while actually concealing much.
@nonstick that was more like Not Safe for Human Eyeball Consumption
@vdotw hey, mine came with a warning. 😉
Back at DIA, glad to be escaping to warmer climes
I asked for warmer weather, not quakes. Y’all settle down out there!
the people you see wearing pyjamas in airports are generally the people you’d be LEAST interested in seeing in their bedroom wear
@NomdeB I use SkypeOut, gives me a local number to dial and then I’m on Skype rates (plus cell minutes).
bummed I didn’t think to buy the Economist’s Christmas issue while it was out. My subscription is still in Italy.
@johnnysunshine I usually see them in airports. Reminds me of the time I saw an American woman in a Jakarta supermarket in curlers…
@ringae I see a lot of American teenagers in PJs at Heathrow, always makes me cringe for my country’s public image.
what is the message of PJs in public anyway? I’m too busy/lazy to get dressed I don’t give a sht what the world thinks, I’m comfy?
@bubbva thanks! Looking forward to seeing my multifarious Bay Area gang.
@NomdeB I seem to be simplifying my life by shedding relatives. 😉
(No, I’m not killing them!)
If I’d known I’d have status on frontier by now, I wd not be flying united today. Paying for a bag and last-priority boarding
@ringae not an Italian, certainly
Landed sfo. Waiting for my bag.
C’mon Bart people I have arrived. That means we can leave!
Omg Harvey fierstein in fiddler on the roof. I. Must. See.
@llcrowe me, too.
Great evening carousing with @Schlomo @jeffreytaylor and John. Bit of a headache this morning, but I’m smiling.
On my way to Daly City for #clswest Looking forward to seeing old friends and new. Sorry @saraford and @rohrer won’t be there.
@hemantmehta even atheists can be ignorant, especially under heavy propaganda
@tehduh and you lose points for just running a check. It’s an absurd system that hurts the consumer
#clswest interesting points on online trust and reputation – what’s out there today sucks. (Amazon ratings are a gd example – v abusable)
Will be speaking on comunity video #clswest Shd be fun – saw a lot of faces light up when I announced it. I’m in sudha & irene’s session
Did v little of the talking in my #clswest session on video – more useful to head from the 30 people in the rm, we’ ll be collaborating!
sorry I had to duck out of #clswest early – another monster headache. But, as expected, was excited and inspired by soe many awesome folks
@VespaDee you’ve reached me. What’s the question?
after a stimulating #clswest yesterday, enjoying a lazy day off today. I may nap.
tried drinking less caffeine today in case that was contributing to my headaches. This led to nap, chocolate, and appetite.
Countries Beginning with I Coffee Art http://bit.ly/7WozW9
Note to self: do not ever again take BART from SFO with luggage. Arm still sore from hauling suitcase up steps at destination.
I guess yesterday was No Pants Day on Bart. That would explain the gang of people we saw coming out of a station in their knickers
Moved over to The Mosser. Like the funkiness az long az it’s not too noisy. Took a while to find drawers – under the bed.
love being in a place where I can walk and walk and walk
final version w slides, downloadable m4v available: Nick Solter on Developing on OpenSolaris (CommunityOne)- Sun Video http://bit.ly/vvH9c
downloadable m4v now available: Debugging and Diagnosing Interesting OpenSolaris Kernel Problems – Sun Video http://bit.ly/7m7P41
downloadable m4v now available: Porting Applications with OpenSolaris – Sun Video http://bit.ly/7lrSxp
New! Probing Database Applications with DTrace – Sun Video from CommunityOne http://bit.ly/60Ieli
new! SourceJuicer BoF at OSCON – Sun Video http://bit.ly/6FrPCZ
m4v download now available: Observing Applications with DTrace – Sun Video http://bit.ly/4qo9SH
now downloadable in m4v: Porting USB HID Device Drivers between Linux and OpenSolaris – Sun Video http://bit.ly/5kG8Sw
downloadable m4v now available: Drivers in the OpenSolaris Operating System – Sun Video http://bit.ly/5Q1ifJ
sometimes, to really get things done, it helps to be in an office where you don’t know anybody
lost and found: downloadable version of ZFS Boot in S10U6 – Sun Video http://bit.ly/89sbqq
lost & found: downloadable versions of ZFS: The Last Word in File Systems Parts 1, 2 & 3 – Sun Video http://bit.ly/4nWM3f
doing video housekeeping today, in case you couldn’t tell
@standaloneSA thanks. Any other #SysAdmin events I should be aware of?
@pschow working on it. Anything particular you’re just dying to have video of?
@pschow Heh, that’s too easy: http://bit.ly/8T5oYS
@pschow …but please be more specific if you can, what else do you need to know about COMSTAR?
@standaloneSA thanks. In fact we’re good buds with USENIX, I’m just organizing a couple of BoF sessions for FAST in Feb.
some days it’s okay to do fiddly stuff that doesn’t require much brainpower (but nonetheless needs to get done)
long-lost downloadable version: COMSTAR Tutorial: Convert a Sun Server into a Fibre Channel Storage Array – Sun Video http://bit.ly/6oxAFF
@bubbva I can’t imagine you doing such a thing on purpose, and accidents are forgivable for reasonable people
Sorry I won’t get to see my kid before she leaves for Aus, but I’ll probably go see dear friends in NM instead for holiday wkd
more still-relevant video from my archive: Fibre Channel Concepts – Sun Video http://bit.ly/5m3zGK
Waving or drowning? Drowning, I think.
Becoming an OpenSolaris Power User (C1 West version) – Sun Video http://bit.ly/4zhFFe
head exploding again. Not with headache, just with stuff I need to do. On the upside, that stuff includes book a lot of exciting travel
Early start tomorrow to get to sun’s menlo park office to teach another videoblogging workshop… And do a zillion other things…
Night of stress induced bad dreams makes waking up easy, but lack of sleep will not improve this day.
Have no idea where to look for the Sun shuttle at menlo park caltrain. Anyone?
@adamsbaldwin how about including the many of us who are not under god?we’re still Americans.
@jimgris cool!
Have caltrain prices gone up? 6 from sf to mpk seems like a lot
@romyilano ugh. I’m hoping to get rid of my car altogether – car payments + parking in SF just not worth it.
The Register Grid Engine is the first workload manager with support for applications created using Hadoop http://bit.ly/8xRdyd
trained more people in video at Sun this morning, sent them off with cameras & mics. It’s fun when trainees are excited to apply knowledge
@vococreative no, but extremely active in my high school’s alumni community: http://bit.ly/5fu7P3
@bklein34 not that I know of so far. Now booking Hyderabad, St. Petersburg, and Beijing!
considering another epically insane trip. Anyone been on the Trans-Siberian? Recently?
okay, okay, I’ll fly. But not Aeroflot.
@johnnysunshine Nice when you have unlimited time, but that’s not my case.
@bicyclemark when in April? I would leave St Petersburg ~Apr 15, need to be in Beijing ~23rd
Today required chocolate, but I had foolishly left it in the hotel room.
Fog outside caltrain windows as we rocket down the peninsula. This train is expensive, but it’s clean, comfortable, and on time. I can deal.
@deirdresm not to worry, I’ll likely be back soon!
@ThinGuy pleasingly fast.
planning my next savage odyssey, includes two new airlines (Finnair and Air China). Anyone have anything to say about those?
Trip sketched out, I’ll have to tweak dates & book tomorrow.won’t be hard to fill 10 days in India. May be almost 3 wks in Beijing – wher!
Okay, so at the end of two weeks almost solid of early starts, I slept in. I don’t feel guilty.
@jmleray ma l’immagine Giapponese a fondo dell’articolo cosa c’entra? Mah.
@jmleray io in fondo dell’articolo vedevo una piccola immagine erotica giapponese (di quelle antiche). Forse l’ho immaginato. 😉
got so much to do I don’t even know where to start. Coffee, please start working!
another epic trip booked: 6 weeks on the road to Hyderabad, St Petersburg, and Beijing, bringing back tons of new content in multiple langs
did I mention I have a very cool job? (Actually, I have about 3 jobs… pay is not commensurate, but the perks are awesome.)
now downloadable: ZFS Discovery Day: Understanding the Technology – Sun Video http://bit.ly/8pgUlo
this week trained a Java User Groups liaison, SDN manager, and green software consultant in video. Helping great stuf happen whenever I can.
now translated and subtitled: Solaris Cluster 3.2 1/09: RAC in Zones & Quorum Monitoring – Sun Video http://bit.ly/5l0fcx
RT @pancrazioauteri: In Italy, if you sell PVR with integrated HD, you ==pay EUR 28.98 / 250GB capacity. Money will go to copyright holders!
SF hosting a math congress, mathematicians in nametags all over. Saw one named Hilbert. Probably not a descendant.
Forgot til this moment that @Rohrer should be on the same flight back to DEN. But she’ll arrive way later to sfo than I did.
Got here way too early but this gives me time to enjoy my sfo ritual: dim sum and beer
Not going to NM this wkd after all, prob a good thing. I should probably sleep for 3 days…
@KathySierra this is only a problem for parents who wish to pretend that, unlike themselves, their children have no vices.
@missbhavens you never asked. And we’re all expected to conspire in maintaining the rosy delusion.
Argh. I know this guy who just boarded and don’t remember why I know him or who he is. I need a face recognition upgrade
@bklein34 seems like these things always devolve upon the parents
The little girl seated next to me who thrashed chattered and sang thru the flight… No doubt many wd find her cute…
@missbhavens that’s okay, no one would have told you
Maybe govt shd get out of marriage altogether. Make a contractual commitment 2 raise any kids, leave it at that…
…because human relationships are way too complex to legislate.
@msgilligan many legislators and voters want life dumbed down for them. I learned long ago that it’s very hard not to fit in the checkboxes
I would like a way to see a family tree of who else my followers follow. Might give me a clue as to why they’re following me.
CO Girl Geeks will be mentioned in the Denver Biz Journal in Feb. @creepyed must now help me organize an event, bcuz it’s all her fault!
RT @dboyll: Italy wants to regulate online video content; Google says it’s a bad idea http://ff.im/-eouBS – it’s a horrible idea
a good way to wake up: slowly, in my own bed, with coffee, a laptop, and good wifi.
I may actually be home in CO for a month now. Then again, I may not.
http://bit.ly/90bVe7 If they know their loved ones are suffering hideous tortures… then how can they be happy in Heaven?
Next CO Girl Geeks dinner will be Feb 17 Wednesday in Broomfield. Check FB group later for details.
@adamsbaldwin Ah, yes, Paul – that misogynist, anti-sexual son of a bitch has a lot to answer for. Christianity cd have been fun but for him
@adamsbaldwin Nope, learned about Paul in religion classes in the missionary high school I attended. Then I thought for myself.
@adamsbaldwin I have been a mother for 20 years.
@adamsbaldwin as far as I recall, Paul wasn’t all that enthusiastic about marriage, simply said it was better than burning.
@adamsbaldwin while I appreciate the kudos, merely being a mother doesn’t make me a hero. I’ve done a decent job of it, but many don’t.
@Zee I have no skin in this game, but are Technorati’s rankings still believable?
@Zee last time I looked (been a while), blogs had to be enrolled to be counted so, like Alexa, the rankings were skewed. I cd be out of date
@Zee but what proportion of bloggers do pay attention? Is it just us social media geeks? We don’t count as much as we think we do.
Italy wd become only Western country in which it is necessary to have prior government permission to upload video. http://bit.ly/5SBtid

I seem to be going thru a process of examining everything society automatically assumes to be good and saying Really? Are you sure?

@missrogue #femanomics – umm, there’s me. Been doing online marketing since ~1992. By my definition. http://bit.ly/V9OUa
@missrogue just haven’t been very good at marketing myself. Maybe that’s the big difference between male and female online gurus #femanomics
@missrogue don’t forget @lskrocki , queen of all our social media platforms at Sun.
is it my imagination or is bit.ly dropping a lot of link stats?
@lskrocki uh, no. I don’t see that as you. But you could go with a plain leather color. I like my red Coach bag
@NomdeB how about non-parent?
3d avatar from the first row. I am gonna have such a pain in the neck
Avatar is nice to look at but all the seams and devices of the story are visible
Why does every large life form /except/ the Naavi have two sets of forelimbs?
Borrowing quite a bit from Elfquest, too
vaster than empires – wasn’t that a Ballard story?
He manages to sound like a US marine most of the time, but every now and then I can hear the Aussie
Busier than I had planned to be this weekend, but that might be a good thing, allthings considered.
my kid’s hitting the road again, via Austin, going to Australia to work with horses. Let’s see how her Aussie adventures turn out
some new followers are probably completely, if unintentionally, misled about me. e.g., just because I mention Ayn Rand don’t mean I like her
an exploited foreigner is more likely to have picked your succulent olives than a well-compensated Italian. http://bit.ly/7t8Teh
@lskrocki I’m managing to beat up mine pretty thorughly, but it still looks good.
Brunetta Calls for Law to Force Stay-at-homes to Leave Nest at 18I was 30 and still couldnt make my own bed. http://bit.ly/8PTnBG
related to current news on why young Italians should leave home, an old piece of mine on why they don’t: http://bit.ly/4F2TL1
@darrenmoffat I’ve got a videocamera warmed up and waiting for you 😉 #zfs #opensolaris
@hemantmehta most women I know would gracefully accept the compliment. But, then, my friends are mostly ballsy women.
new blog post On Love http://bit.ly/4FHvUQ
Italys real unemployment rate is more than 10.7 percent, according to Bloomberg calculations… http://bit.ly/6Fb8Px
@bubbva not at the moment, but I’ll be back. And we can exchange dinners – I’m a good cook, too, when I have someone to cook for
@iamsrk then you’re a work kind of person. Nothing wrong with that
@missrogue I was terrible at flirting in my 20s, was hoping it would get easier now!
@bubbva sounds great! I’m coming over!
poor Ross. 3 flights delayed, baggage fees raised without announcement… and she’s considering becoming a flight attendant?
@nonstick you go, gal!
Twitter Tools seems to have insurmountable problems, so I’m having to try other methods to do a weekly digest of my tweets. Ugh.

On Love

Lately I’ve been doing a lot of research about love, relationships, marriage, and divorce. I’m still mystified – and so are the experts. But new technology (fMRI) allows us to look inside the brain in new ways, so perhaps we are finally on the road to explaining the great “mystery of love” which has puzzled philosophers, psychologists, and lovers, probably since the dawn of human consciousness.

Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

Dr. Helen Fisher postulates (and researches) the theory that humans have evolved three kinds of mating-related love, each driven by separate (but connected) hormonal circuits in the brain:

  • Lust (associated with testosterone) drives us to mate (well, duh, otherwise the species wouldn’t be here).
  • Romantic love (dopamine) is a drive – rather than an emotion – which focuses our attention on one person who could potentially be a long-term mate. Focus is the key word here: many of the symptoms of intense romantic love are manifestations of obsessive focus on the object of that love.
  • Attachment (vasopressin, oxytocin) is a feeling of calm and security, which encourages us to stay with a mate long enough to raise a child.*

Fisher says it is possible to feel any of these three types of love in any combination or order, and to feel each for different people at the same time, though she also states that it is not possible to feel romantic love for more than one person at a time (presumably because of the intense focus involved).

Each type of love can (though it doesn’t necessarily) lead to another: lustful stimulation of the genitals causes dopamine to be produced, triggering romantic love. Orgasm causes a flood of oxytocin and vasopressin, which can lead to attachment, especially when repeated. Conversely, feelings of attachment can morph into romantic love: the “falling in love with your best friend” phenomenon.

Note that, in Fisher’s scenario, the term “real love” is meaningless. If you’re feeling it – and not just pretending to yourself or someone else that you are – it’s real. The important question is: which kind of love are you feeling?

The Evolution of Love

In Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray (1994, updated 2016), Fisher postulates that walking on two legs forced humans to evolve pair bonding. Unlike an ape, whose baby rides on its mother’s back, an upright, bipedal human must carry her (far more helpless) baby in her arms or on her hip. This means that she cannot easily run from predators, take refuge in a tree, or forage for her food. She needs a mate for protection, to help ensure the survival of herself and her child. A male who bonds with a female and helps care for their child ensures that his genes survive and are carried on. So we are selected for pairing up (temporarily) to bear and raise children.

BUT – Fisher believes that: “Humans have evolved a dual reproductive strategy: a drive to pair up to raise children, but also a restlessness and tendency to adultery, divorce, and remarriage.” (quoted from her talk at LeWeb ’08, though the point is also made in her books).

Many species besides humans are monogamous, and for similar reasons: it takes two to successfully raise young. But genetic studies have shown that most “monogamous” species – even those that bond only for a single mating season – are also adulterous.

This behavior has evolved because both sexes are trying to get the best of both genetic worlds. It’s to the female’s advantage to have a steady mate to help raise the young, but she also benefits from having offspring with a genetic variety of males, which gives her own genes a better chance of surviving and being carried on. It’s to the male’s genetic advantage to impregnate as many females as possible, while investing the minimum resources in actually raising the resulting offspring.

Conversely, each has a strong interest in ensuring that their partner does not stray: the male does not want to be tricked into raising some other male’s children, while the female does not want her mate spending resources on some other female, or possibly being lured away for good, leaving her to raise their offspring alone. Hence the irrational, sometimes overwhelming, power of jealousy.

Fisher reports on studies showing that, in pre-agricultural hunter-gatherer societies, where the sexes have similar “economic” (food gathering) power, pair bonds were/are not expected to last for life. Divorce, though painful, is not difficult: either partner can easily walk away with all of his/her possessions, to start a new life with a new partner.

Fisher believes that humankind’s invention of agriculture made women dependent on men, because plowing required a man’s strength. But a man could not manage a farm alone, nor could land be parceled out and carried away if a relationship ended. “Til death do us part” became the norm for good reason: losing a mate could be fatal.

This ancient “ideal” still carries enormous cultural weight, even though most of us today are not farmers and may not even need a partner for economic support.

Love Today

I distill from all this that modern humans are subject to several warring impulses:

  • We are evolved to mate (just) long enough to produce and raise offspring.
  • Both sexes are also evolved to cheat, but we mostly do it on the sly because it is enormously threatening to our mates.
  • Much more recently in human evolutionary history, but long ago in cultural memory, we developed a societal expectation that we will mate with absolute fidelity and forever. It’s important to realize that this expectation is cultural, not evolved.

The prevailing attitude towards love and marriage in American culture is particularly and dangerously idealized. We define “real” love as romance that grows into a lifelong, sexually-faithful attachment. Marriage is further burdened with expectations that our partner will meet our every emotional and physical need, and that, if the love is “real”, we will live together harmoniously forever and ever, amen.

The expected pattern is that you meet “the one,” fall in love, marry, have children, and live happily ever after. Popular culture (from romance novels to chick flicks to self-help books to greeting cards) constantly reinforces this, so we feel cheated or that we have failed if we do not experience this kind of idealized, all-encompassing love – or if it doesn’t last forever.

It seems to me that this American myth of love does more harm than good. We go into marriage expecting far too much of the relationship and of our spouse, and blame them or ourselves when the reality falls short of our expectations. We feel pressured to “make it work” even when one or both partners is irremediably unhappy in a relationship. We feel crushing guilt when a relationship fails. Then we go out searching all over again for “that special someone” to fulfill an impossible ideal, kicking off another cycle of inevitable disappointment.

…and that’s what I’ve figured out so far. Your thoughts?

Related reading:

* According to Fisher, in pre-agricultural societies “long enough to raise a child” is/was probably about four years. More on that another time.

Deirdré Straughan on Italy, India, the Internet, the world, and now Australia